Heroin Support Blog

Our goal here is to provide our readers with the latest information about the signs of heroin addiction, support groups, treatment options, life in recovery, prevention & advocacy in our communities, and how to deal with grief of a lost loved one. If you have ideas or suggestions that you wish to share with us here please use our "Contact Us" page to email us.

Why Did I Get Out and Not You???

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We met at 16 years old. That was over 13 years ago, Mike. You reminded me of that all the time. You would say, “You have put up with you for 13 years and you will have to put up with you forever, whether you like it or not.” You would say that whenever I got mad or said how annoying you were. I loved you so quickly, we have had our ups and downs, but God always brought us back to each other. There had to be a reason. You saved me in more ways than one, and I will forever be grateful for that. Our addiction took hold and turned both of us ugly. But I still loved you and you loved me. You never let anyone speak ill of me and I would defend you no matter what you did to make me mad. We made it through things that other people would have walked away from without even thinking about it. You are my soul mate Mike, and anyone who knows us knows that.

We had a baby, he has your middle name. He acts JUST like you. Then there was another little man added to our family. You did not have to take him under your wing, but you wanted to. He has your attitude as well. And they both have your joy. You were there sense they were in my belly, and you always had candy for me to keep me happy, even when I was not pregnant. They love you more than anything in this world. But we were addicts

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I had to get clean for them, so I moved away. After a few attempts, I got this whole sobriety thing. But I still enabled you. Maybe if I did not enable you, things would be different. But it is too late now. I had the ability to leave the environment of addiction, you did not. It was much harder for you because you were deeper in the addiction and did not have the love and support I had. You finally got it together and I trusted you to have the boys for weeks at a time. They never wanted to come home with me. It was always a fight. That is how much they love you, Mike. You have always been a damn good daddy to them and that will be the way that you will be remembered. You had your demons, but they never came before your kids. People who have not been under the hold of heroin will never understand. It starts as a choice, but it ends with a never-ending need to get that next fix to be able to get out of bed. I will NEVER see you as a bad person, I will see you as a sick person who wanted help. You wanted to get better for the boys. You talked about it and about how proud you were of me for all I do for the boys and how I will go on to help other people suffering from addiction. Why couldn’t I save you? You were the one person I would do anything to save. I love you, Mike. I always have and always will.

I always told you how much I wanted you to stop using and kept lecturing you on what you were doing wrong. I did not acknowledge how hard you were trying to do the right thing. I am sorry for that; those feelings of guilt will forever be with me. I was impatient with you the night before when we were on the phone. I told you I loved you, did you even hear me? I am not sure you did, but I pray that you did. I am sorry we did not call you back. I am sorry I did not call earlier in the morning when I had that uneasy feeling. Maybe I could have called in time to save you. Maybe my four-year-old never would have had to tell me, while I am two hours away, that “Daddy won’t wake up”, “I can’t get him to wake up Mommy”. That phone call is going to be with me forever. Why did this have to happen??? How are we supposed to go on without you??? I need to be able to say goodbye and get the picture of you on the floor out of my head. So does our youngest boy. He cries when I mention you. We are lost without you, Mike.

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You were so excited to cook Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. The boys were going to come up and you invited me to eat with you guys. You were my best friend, but I never told you enough because I was always so busy. I thought you would always be here for me to talk to tomorrow. The only way I will hear your voice is on the voicemail’s that I have saved on my phone. WHY????? Why did I get out and not you? Why was I the one who has to live without you? I do not have any clue how I am going to raise our two amazing, handsome, loving, caring, and rambunctious little boys alone. They need their daddy. I know you will always be here, but you won’t be HERE. I took you for granted. But I will never let your memory be ruined by people who have not felt the pain I am feeling or have never experienced addiction themselves or through a loved one. They mean nothing to me. They do not know you like I know you. They do not know the huge heart that you had. When you had no home and you still made sure I had gas money to bring the boys up to visit. Every addict is selfish, but you were selfless.

You love myself and our boys more than you loved yourself. I wish you loved yourself more and seen what an amazing man you are. I still cannot speak of you in the past tense. This is not real. I am so sad and angry at the same time. I need to say goodbye, I need to see that you are okay, I need the boys to grow up with you in their hearts. I PROMISE you that they will have nothing but happy thoughts of you. I will talk to you every night and I will remember all the good times we have had together. I love you and so do our (not so baby) boys. Please watch over us Mike. We need you, every day. We had so much we wanted to accomplish. We may not have been together, but you were my person. You will always be my person. I love you and I wish we had the happy ending with marriage and a little girl we always dreamed of. I will forever cherish the family we did have together, because I will always have two mini Mike’s running around my house driving me crazy just like you taught them. <3

The family has put together a fundraising below to help with the $1,700 for a low cost cremation and viewing by immediate family. 

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Heaven Sent: Free Memorial Blanket for Children Who Lost a Loved One.

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Our Heaven Sent program aims to comfort children who are grieving the loss of a loved one with a heartening gift sent from Heaven. We send each child a blanket personalized with photos of their loved one and any special message that was important between the two of them. While we do this throughout the whole year, and will continue to do so…

Right Now, we are announcing a spectacular Christmas Giveaway... We are targeting children who have lost a loved one due to addiction. We will be sending out 200 blankets in time for Christmas to the first 200 children that someone nominates to receive a Heaven Sent blanket by filling out the form on our website. The link is attached below. Please feel free to share with someone you know that has a child that could use a gift from heaven. We will let those who are the first 200 recipients know they will receive a blanket with an email confirmation. If we exceed that number, we will keep a wait-list to fulfill as we can throughout the year.

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Visit their website to inquire about receiving a free memorial blanket for your child.  You can also visit their Facebook page.

Anyone wishes to donate to this cause to keep the free blankets coming can do so by clicking here.

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Overdose... the Reality of Finding Your Loved One Gone

Sparenblek

Adam Lee Sparenblek
9.13.1980-10.24.2015

I lived in fear that what happened one year ago today could or would happen. Addiction is real. There's so much shame and guilt around it. I hope our generation and future generations change that...a last letter, journal entry, to Adam. The boys & I love & miss you to the end, every day...

I remember seeing you face down and lifeless. And I remember what it did to me, how my knees buckled effortlessly. Kneeling at your side, begging God to bring you back. I knew it was too late. I knew only a miracle could bring you back. It felt like I had just jumped off a cliff, free falling. Sheer terror. Our 5 year old had brought me to you, waiting for me at the back door to get home from work. He was talking in a panic, wanting to take me to you quickly.

I initiated CPR as I screamed for God, sobbing over your lifeless body. I've never given chest compressions before, even after years of being a nurse at the hospital. And there I was, counting compressions on my husband while our son stood at your side. When I let the officers and paramedics inside I collapsed to my knees again. Screaming in prayer. Every time I looked up at the police officer to see if my miracle was granted, pleading with them to work harder to find a pulse, I was stabbed with the unbearable realization again when I would see the officer nod his head, no...no pulse. More minutes would pass and more silence and nods from officers that didn't want to look at me, that didn't know what to say - you weren't coming back. I was removed from the house while they carried you out. The coroner came to see me almost immediately. Already asking questions. They actually do that - they actually make a person answer questions in the same hour after finding their loved one deceased. All along I couldn't even comprehend the last hour, I had just talked to you on the phone 8 hours prior. We just said I love you. I received your text 5 hours before. Is this even real life?? You're really gone?? Just like that. All those who loved you, their lives turned upside down. How does this even happen, how does such a deadly drug exist in our world, and it's actually sought after. In the blink of an eye, one decision to feel a high, took you to your resting place. It didn't have to happen, it just feels so senseless...

Sparenblek1

For days I didn't go upstairs. Every walk up those stairs is a reminder of your last breath taken. The morning of October 24th is forever etched in my memory. It crippled everything inside me. To see your arms a shade of white and streaks of blue that told me in a split second, my best friend, my partner in life, the father of my children, is gone. When I rolled you over, you were already stiff. Your face was so incredibly swollen and bruised, a dark blue and purple. Was it even you? Was this even real... vomit was all around you, your mouth still full. I screamed for you to move. I screamed for Jesus. I pounded on your chest. No God, NO!! You're not f*cking doing this to me! Don't tell me our son is standing here next to his dead father. His daddy. Give him back. Don't take him. NO GOD, NO.

You didn't come back. God wasn't there. And for a long time, I questioned if He even exists. I bargained. Take me. F*cking TAKE ME. Bring my husband back and f*cking take me God Damnit. Strike me dead, torture me. Put me through the fires of hell, just bring him back. Give him back to the boys. Give him back to his parents. Give him back to his best friend, Mike. Give him back to us.

I was empty and lifeless. I could only hear the sound of my soul screaming until the mother of your first born knelt down in the grass beside me. I'll never forget us holding each other while they put you down into the ground, to your final resting place. "Is this really it?" she said. We became bonded in the sons we share with you, bonded in the tears we mourned together over your loss. Reality. Painful reality.

The days, week & months moving forward I was numb. I was in shock. Just going through motions. I wanted to see you again. I wanted to have a last conversation with you. I wasn't ready to let you go. I toyed with the idea of suicide. I toyed with the idea of making myself overdose in the same spot you did. My mind took me to places and thoughts I didn't know were possible. I wanted answers. I wanted to know...I wanted to know what high is so great to risk your own life. Drinking myself to sleep for the first couple months, I wondered if I too would become an addict. Somehow through those days, I clung to our boys, someone has to be there for them. Someone has to tell them and raise them to know you, to keep your memory alive. And that someone was going to have to be me. Alone. Not how we had planned this babe. It was you & me, raising our little men. We were supposed to watch them grow together.

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Oddly enough, we had some deep conversations that week. We had reconciled and were living happily as a family again. Our ups and downs the past year had tested us, questioned our commitment to one another. It had me thinking, I wanted validation that our great week was going to last. We were in the kitchen hugging, and I looked at you, "Promise me, promise me we will be together forever? In this life and in the next? Promise me wherever we go after this life, that we won't stop until we find each other?" "I promise you." If I can thank God for anything, it's for that week. It's for that moment. It's for our last dinner as a family that Thursday night. It's for hearing boo say the prayer that night at the dinner table. It's for the spider that was in the hallway that made me scream and us all laugh when I made you get it because mommy doesn't do spiders. God, do I miss you beeb.
The countless days, nights & car rides home I have cried over the loss of you. Mostly for our boys. All three of them. The life they will lead without you by their side. Their sporting events and games. Their first prom. Their first time driving a car. Their graduation from high school, from college. Their wedding day. Making you a grandpa. The future grandchildren you'll have that won't get to know you. Won't get to be spoiled by you. Laugh with you. I just can not.

I cry for myself. For what could have been. For not being able to call you every night after work, to ask how you and the boys are and our plans for dinner. For what was in our greatest moments and memories. Watching the boys do amazing things together - smiling at each other knowing what we created. Amazing sons. For songs we sang to one another, for inside jokes only we knew about, for late night conversations confiding in one another. For our marriage - our bond - that continued to draw us to one another through our ups and downs, as we had many.
For your best friend, Mike. For your brothers, for your sister. For seeing grown men cry. For your parents, heartbroken with tears streaming down their faces over the loss of their first born. For watching your siblings carry you in a casket...some of them still in their 20s. For having to embrace the man that stood by your side at our wedding and tell him you're gone. The both of you spoke 5 different times that Friday...making plans for the four of us to all go out Saturday night. Amanda, Mike & I have been left to grieve the date night that never happened. The laughs and fun we would have had but didn't. The two of them have been the most loyal friends to you - even in death. They have been here for the boys & I and have not fallen short of honoring you the best way anyone could - through their love and care of your boys.

You are missed. You are loved. You are thought of daily, hourly. You took a part of me with you. And you've gifted me w the very best parts of you - your heart continues to beat in the boys you've blessed Jayme & I with. Thank you, beeb. Thank you for our boys, our memories, and for our journey - I'm grateful you chose to spend and share your love & life with me. I look forward to the day I see you again. Until then, rest in peace my love, know that you are forgiven & know that you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...tap 6 times.

Written by Adam wife - Sherry Sparenblek

 

Below is the last picture of Adam...
a selfie he sent me less than 24 hours before he passed 
 

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Addiction is real. It's not a choice it's a disease. They choose to use in the beginning, yes, but after that it becomes an illness. A disease. No one would choose to overdose, be revived, and overdose again the next day. If anything that goes to show how strong of a hold heroin has on people. The chemical changes in the brain that happen and become permanent.

#AskMeAboutMyAngel #HeroinMemorial #GoneToSoon

www.HeroinMemorial.org   www.HeroinSupport.org 

Click here to submit your own memorial tribute.

Below is a video our nonprofit here created from pictures that members from the private group at Heroin Memorial gave us permission to use in our public YouTube video to help break the STIGMA around addiction.

Click here to Purchase Wristbands to support Heroin Support Inc, a 501(c)3 Nonprofit.  Below are some of the wristbands we carry.   

DestroysBlack   HeavenPurpleBlack    IHatePurple

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"True is Hard" - A Poem From Her Son Who Struggled With Addiction.

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True Is Hard

How can you not see what I truly am I never wanted all this pain to be part of the plan.  I'm beat down and tired.  I remember being young and wired.  Where did it go?  I miss it more than anyone knows.  Why over the past few years has no one got to know me or at least realized that I am lonely?  I just want to be like all of you but I feel rejected and I know it wasn't anyone's intentions so how can I ask for help?  God knows how many times I've knelt with a troubled heart not knowing where to start.  I look to the skies, tears running freely from my eyes.  How could you all have overlooked these desperate cries.

Written by: Christopher M. Noonan

Shared by his mother: Kathy Noonan

 

#AskMeAboutMyAngel #HeroinMemorial #GoneToSoon

www.HeroinMemorial.org   www.HeroinSupport.org 

Click here to submit your own memorial tribute.

* Feel free to make supportive comments about this article at the bottom of this page using your Facebook profile.

#AskMeAboutMyAngel  #HeroinMemorial   www.HeroinMemorial.org      www.HeroinSupport.org  

 Below is a video our nonprofit here created from pictures that members from the private group at Heroin Memorial gave us permission to use in our public YouTube video to help break the STIGMA around addiction.

Click here to Purchase Wristbands to support Heroin Support Inc, a 501(c)3 Nonprofit.  Below are some of the wristbands we carry.   

DestroysBlack   HeavenPurpleBlack    IHatePurple

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I Want My Daddy Back

jennie1

This picture is my son yesterday at his fathers grave this is not right.  The heartbreak I saw when he layed on the ground and cried and said "this is how I layed next to daddy and we would hug each other. I want daddy back!!"

I have a story to tell the love of my life my husband my children's father and my best friend was taken from us from heroin on May 25th 2016 a day before his 29th birthday. We had a true love story from the second we layed eyes on eachother we were married 13 years and his battle started 10 years ago first with weed then with pills and we could fight that we moved away and for 4 years it was perfect he even became a deacon in our church and just over 2 years ago is when he choose to do something that would eventually take his beautiful life and forever change me and my children's lives. As soon as I found out what he was doing I was in disbelief we would take about people who did this and try to help them I couldn't imagine my perfect husband ever doing this he went straight to rehab after just months of doing it when I found out and I thought we would be ok and his addiction was over but it just began I fought for him to stop I know he fought to I did everything imaginable I was even willing to cut my arms off to save my husband and family from death and destruction because I would tell him that if he didn't stop that's what it would lead to I asked if he wanted to die he said no I asked him what would I do without him and how could I tell our babies he died and he assured me that it wouldn't happen he knew his limit!

jennie2

I knew what could happen and every day I fought!! He almost died Mothers Day if I didn't break down the bathroom door and call the ambulance! And from that day until he died he was just the perfect drug free husband and father I knew he gave us that or as I say Jesus gave us those weeks just perfect days and as I rolled over on May 25th at 3:30 am and felt the spot he fell asleep empty my world forever changed I knew he had snuck out to go get his stuff like he had done many many times before this time it was different though I had the horrible body shaking experience like I always had but as I walked down stairs to see the back door unlocked that he ran out of and would be sneaking back in I did something different that I had never done before I left it unlocked for him to come back I would always lock it right away and not let him in until he begged and promised he would t do it again but this time I didn't I was going to tell him that I was mad but I knew he messed up and finally understood and we would get back on track and it would be ok! I went upstairs and calmly layed down something I never did before I would usually stay up and smoke my cigarettes and be angry and hurt but I didn't as I layed in bed waiting for him to return I thought of how he could die and what if he did? As I got out of bed at 4:55 am and worried why isn't he home something is wrong he never took this long! I walked down the stairs and as I reached the bottom phone in hand it rang and i knew it was about my husband as my babies slept peacefully I was told he was dead and needed to go see him I help in my shrieks and screams so they would not be woken and my nightmare dream began!

I have a story much more to say but I will keep it short for now and say this drug does not discriminate it has no boundaries it's evil it's soul purpose is to kill and destroy my husband did not look like a addict we had the perfect life he had the American Dream loving wife and children a dog and a cat! We had hopes and dreams we would tell eachother we would be the notebook movie till the end and now that's gone our world is forever changed but I have peace and understanding as much as I my whole heart is gone now I know he's at peace and is in heaven he was saved and I know he knew at the end and repented and went to heaven he's in my heart he's in my children's eyes his story our story will forever be told the good the bad the ugly I would of stayed and fought till the end to save my husband but I understand why he left he didn't want to but he ended my worries and gave me peace from his addiction but I want him back now and would take that pain of worry just to hold him again and have him hug our babies and play with them again! If this touches one person and saves them from this deathly ending then I will smile!! This isn't the way young beautiful people should go my 12 year old son shouldn't of had to carry his father in a coffin I shouldn't have to comfort my babies at night when there crying they want there daddy back or why he will never be able to walk his daughters down the isle on there wedding day or not to see his grandchildren and grow old with me! I beg all the beautiful people to fight for your lives don't let your loved ones hurt like this don't hurt yourself like this!!! Before my husbands death I would look at addicts in disgust but now I understand and I will forever embrace them and tell my story in hopes of saving there lives!!! The only thing I have thought and said and will continue to say as soon as I heard he had died was Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!!! 

Please share my story if it comforts others or saves lives! Jason Miller the perfect husband and father was taken from us from something many of us are fighting. I don't want his young life to go without saving others from this ending!

Jennie Stanley Miller

 

* Feel free to make supportive comments about this article at the bottom of this page using your Facebook profile.

#AskMeAboutMyAngel  #HeroinMemorial   www.HeroinMemorial.org      www.HeroinSupport.org  

 Below is a video our nonprofit here created from pictures that members from the private group at Heroin Memorial gave us permission to use in our public YouTube video to help break the STIGMA around addiction.

Click here to Purchase Wristbands to support Heroin Support Inc, a 501(c)3 Nonprofit.  Below are some of the wristbands we carry.   

DestroysBlack   HeavenPurpleBlack    IHatePurple

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